Fear

On Sunday evening, I went out for a farewell / birthday dinner with some friends. Actually, they went out for dinner. I sampled the pub's fine array of water-logged vegetables as per usual - just one of the perils of being a vegan in a rural-ish town, I suppose. Actually, I didn't really care. I just wanted to see my friends... and show off my new vinyl boots!

"They're not particularly feminine, are they?" - Mother Dearest

So we were all chatting away, and as one of the hefty bogans seated behind us carried their stone grill (raw cow that cooks at your table) its repugnant odour wafted right up my overly-sensitive nostrils! This prompted one of my mates to tell me about the horror movie Dread (2009), a film about university students who make a documentary about people's fears.

Basically, one of the characters in the film is a vegetarian because her father smelt like raw meat every time he abused her (sad enough). I won't ruin the plot line, but in general, many of the interviewees have to face their fear in an extreme, perverse manner. Very odd, and very off. But that's the lack of a viewing experience talking.

Little did I know, soon I'd be facing one of my own phobias - SPIDERS...

Sydney Funnel Web, deadly and aggressive.

It's the most irrational fear I've ever had. When I was ten, my mum and I went through a lot with our family business and I developed these delusions that spiders were biting me. I constantly felt sharp pricks under my skin which I perceived as spider bites, even when there was no evidence of arachnids in a hundred metre radius of where I was. I'd become really sick at the thought, and have anxiety attacks. This went on for about six months, left untreated to just fix itself even though I asked to see a doctor.

These days, I'm not feeling faux-spider bites, but I am still quite afraid 8 legged monsters. They're devilish - the movement of their limbs, their eyes, their fur and skin and just everything. EVERYTHING. If a spider ever bit me for real, I think I'd go insane.

Wouldn't you know it? The very day after discussing Dread, this big, bad arse black and white-striped, orange-legged bastard decided to have a tour of my room when I was home alone. I was scared out of my wits. There was no guiding it outside with a magazine so it could live happily ever after in the backyard - I could get bitten! Nope.

Instead, I got my aforementioned awesome vinyl boots and waited for my moment to crack his exoskeleton, but he ran a mile from the wall to my window pane. The windows in our house are huge, and he was right up the top. Great. I had to use chemicals. I ran to the pantry and grabbed our "Low Irritant" fly spray, then gassed the critter. Little did I realise low irritant effectively means low dosage, and Super Spidey accelerated to the other side of the glass. Shocked, I dosed him up again and he ran for his life resting high up at the very top of the window frame. I decided to leave him for a bit, to calm down, and when I returned, he was gone.

It's safe to say I didn't sleep well that night...